The Paradox of Change

The Paradox of Change

@theparadoxofchange · 7.8K subscribers · 296 videos · English

Your couples therapy and relationship advice channel hosted by three experienced therapists. We believe there has to be an I before We. Struggling with trust…

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25:33

SEXLESS & a Stranger to the Person You Love | POC 52

5.9K views · 2w ago · 25:33

What happens when the person you love stops making you feel like you exist? That quiet erosion can turn into anxiety, resentment, control, and a relationship that looks intact from the outside but feels deeply lonely on the inside.

Topics: The Pain of Being Unseen · Fitting In Versus Truly Belonging · Unpicking the Erosion of Intimacy · The Role of Vulnerability in Connection · Attachment Styles and Relationship Dynamics · Navigating Difficult Conversations

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40:37

The Reality of Living in a Sexless Partnership | The Comments POC 51

21K views · 1mo ago · 40:37

Real listener comments on sexless marriage reveal the pain of feeling unseen. Let's unpack the silence in relationships. Therapists Elliot and Lottie read real audience reflections to explore why intimacy issues often stem from repeated rejection and unmet needs. This conversation addresses the hope gap where one partner expects change while the other remains silent, and how this dynamic can lead to a sense of betrayal in long-term partnerships.

Topics: A listener wants touch, not just sex, and the need to feel significant · How repeated rejection can look like infidelity in slow motion · The “hope gap” in a 22-year sexless marriage · How sexual shutdown can have different causes · The car analogy and the grief of losing what the relationship used to be · Why untreated health issues become relationship issues

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48:14

His Bills. Her Load. No Sex. Who Is Right?

24K views · 1mo ago · 48:14

We unpack why the “mental load” debate hits so hard in a sexless marriage, and why one partner’s silence is not the absence of responsibility. She often carries the micro load: noticing, planning, remembering, anticipating what might go wrong. He often carries the macro load: work, money, safety, the pressure he never names. Both can be anxious. Both can feel unseen. And when criticism, control, and withdrawal take over, intimacy has nowhere to land.

Topics: Why “mental load” hit a nerve in our comments · What mental load actually means · Is the mental load also control? · Anxiety, perfection, and the self-perpetuating load · Criticism, withdrawal, and why he shuts down · Projection and the suitcase trap

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1:01:29

Can an Affair Be Understandable in a Sexless Marriage? A Therapist Deep Dive

8.8K views · 2mo ago · 1:01:29

Can infidelity be wrong but understandable is a complex question that therapist Elliot Burgess and Lottie Passell-Syms delve into in this deep dive discussion. For men in a sexless marriage, the lack of intimacy can lead to emotional disconnection and touch deprivation, also known as skin hunger. This can have a profound effect on the husband, leading to feelings of rejection and low libido.

Topics: Can an affair be wrong but understandable? · Why couples need listening, not just strategies · Reconnecting after years of disconnection · From blame and shame to a couple problem · The “three A’s”: aggression, agenda, attitude · The importance of slowing conversations down

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33:44

Can an Affair Be Wrong and Still Be Understandable? Hits different when you're Therapist

6.8K views · 3mo ago · 33:44

Can we understand why an affair happens? What are the precursors we're often blissfully unaware of, and who's responsible once the realisation hits? A therapist's view. Lottie and Elliot break down a scene from Hope Gap: a husband who has been unhappy for 29+ years, and the moment he finally finds his voice by leaving.We're not excusing infidelity.

Topics: Can an Affair Be Wrong and Still Be Understandable? · The 29-Year Hope Gap · Unmet Needs and the Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamic · Attachment Styles and Family of Origin · How Relationships Erode Into a Standstill · Finding His Voice After Years of Silence

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